40 years of faulty wiring

Why not just leave her at the Altar?

 

 

Honestly I think that would have been less painful and humiliating than what article-2727808-209C84E000000578-106_634x422this jerk did to his fiancée. An American 23-year-old man named Tucker Blandford called up his lovely fiancée, Alex Lanchester, who lived in London, England, and faked being his own father. He sadly informed Lanchester that his son had taken his own life because he had been depressed. He stated that Blandfield had stepped out in front of a car. Sad day, no? Well actually, no.

Lanchester contacted Blandford’s mother to offer her condolences and discovered Mrs. B had no idea what Lanchester was talking about. Blandford’s purpose? He didn’t want to get married after all. Lanchester had already invest about $1,200.00 American in the wedding-to-not-be, and Blandford was probably trying to get out of reimbursing her, although he has since paid his half of the expenses.

Lanchester met Blandford in August 2012 while studying in the US. She met Blandford at the campus cinema in the University of Connecticutt. It was love at first sight, or so it seemed. Lanchester told the press: ‘Tucker was such a gentleman and was always buying me dinner and beautiful article-2727808-209C84DC00000578-229_634x677vintage jewellery. I’d never been in love like that before. Every Sunday he would take me out for pancakes, it was so sweet. And to celebrate the day we got together, on the 10th of each month we would go out for a posh dinner. The worst thing was the idea that one day I would have to leave him and go back to England. The thought of that was breaking my heart.’

Lanchester organized her dream wedding and set a date on August 15, 2014. She bought a handmade dress from eBay She even agreed to pay for Blandford to fly to Britain to help with the wedding:I went all out even though I had hardly any money. In the weeks running up to his visit I was mad with excitement.”

For his part, Blandford told a reporter: ‘I’m a terrible, awful person. I know I shouldn’t have told her I was dead, but I didn’t know what else to do. Alex is an amazing girl but I got scared and wanted to get out of the relationship. It was moving extremely fast and with us being in different countries, it was really hard.”

The only really hard thing to understand is Blandford’s lousy move when he ended his engagement to Lanchester. Lucky for Lanchester she didn’t end up married to the jerk.  I’ve heard of shitty break-ups before but this one tops the wedding cake.

 

 

 

Advertisements

August 19, 2014 Posted by | Bizarre yet True, Relationships | , , | Leave a comment

Poor Pathetic Parenting Produces Promiscuous Pitiful Pornography Prototype

Poor Mom and Dad. We’re always blaming our parents for every trivial mistake we make such as baring all for hard-core porn and deciding to skip college and go straight to work earning minimum wage for the next 10 years until we get it together and go back to angry-woman-Manasschool. It’s decidedly unfair when adults, even young adults, make poor decisions in their lives and blame their parents but sometimes the blame, at least partial blame, is placed squarely where it belongs. In fact, some porn queens, most of whom are anywhere from 18 to 21, just kids really, don’t know for themselves why they are into this way of life besides easy money. Well, easy if you don’t mind being forever branded a whore and contracting as many STDs as you can along the way.

I blogged about one typical porn queen in Tales from the Dark Side, a dark tale indeed about Colleen Applegate turned Shauna Grant in her hardcore porn films. A beautiful blonde, Colleen hailed from a cold, strict, self-righteous family that oppressed her to a point that when she finally broke away, she went to the extreme of degrading herself in Los Angeles pornography. Her mother stated “I wasn’t aware of how bad her life was until after she died.” No kidding. Meh. If you want to read more, click here.

I say typical about Shauna Grant because her sad story isn’t unusual in Los Angeles porn, where young girls are chewed up, spit out, and often left with drug addictions that are as hard as the porn they’ve starred in. Nasty. Lately violent and degrading porn is in high demand. The silly sappy stuff you see on YouPorn is the PG version of pornography. Yep. PG. The stuff that’s being filmed in L.A. is truly awful: young girls are supposedly gang-raped in videos, they’re beaten, called degrading names, forced to partake in BDSM scenes, and used in the worst kind of porn you can imagine. These scenes aren’t real in the sense that these women aren’t truly being raped, but after the fact they often feel as though they have been: their bodies hurt, their self-esteem plummets, they feel depressed and some are suicidal. Some succeed at suicide. Do these girls sound like whores to you?

You may wonder what drives a young woman into hardcore porn, especially the aforementioned degradation? Well wonder no more. A little online digging and I uncovered some valid, yet perplexing reasons, that the daughters of certain parents become victims of pornography. A list:

The Boss Is Mad1.  A truly nasty divorce absolute vindictiveness and no “amicable” anywhere to be found. These are the divorces where name-calling and false sexual abuse allegations occur. The worst kind is when parents convince their children to lie about a parent having molested them. Do children lie about this stuff?  Absolutely, when they’re under pressure to do so. Do they feel worse than shit for doing it? What do you think?    A study by Paul Armato showed that children of divorce score lower academically, and suffer “psychological adjustment, self-concept and social competence.”  

2. Furthering this concern, a 2002 study in The Journal of Pediatric Psychology found that adolescents from mother-alone or mother-absent homes are more likely to become sexually active at a young age, risk taking behavior that is compounded by substance abuse and lack of social support. I do have a bone (pun) to pick with the mother-alone conclusion. As a single mother raising a beautiful, healthy daughter I take offence to that statement. Mind you, I was a single mother by choice and there was no divorce. That might account for my daughter turning out so beautifully. That and my awesome parenting, of course.

3.   Mothers and fathers who weren’t parents: they were friends. Allowing daughters to set their own boundaries, get a boyfriend as young as they pleased, These parents didn’t teach their daughters how to set personal boundaries and that they had the right to be respected by boys. This is one of the worst parenting styles ever.

crying-girl4.   Families that raped and molested their daughters – a pretty obvious (and tragic) one. It’s possible that someone outside the family was molesting a little girl and the parents ignored it. I mean, how do you honestly not know this stuff? If you’re a distant, uncaring parent then you might just might not know about it but otherwise, you do and just don’t want to deal with it. I knew a young woman who was sexually molested by a neighbour for a number of months. When she got older and confronted her parents they claimed innocence. She killed herself.

6.   Parents that were prudes or mothers who were total sluts and didn’t have a good handle on their sexuality. This leads parents to inadequately educate daughters about sex, either teaching an abstinence only or a laissez-faire approach. Statistics on abstinence-only programs show this approach to be insanely ineffective. I love my mother with all my heart but that was her ridiculous approach and that was because she was raised in the previous generation. She truly did abstain until marriage. Mind you I didn’t become a slut or a porn star.  I only had sex with one boyfriend for 5 years. Honest.

7.   When Mom and Dad let men or women run in and out of their lives teaches daughters that significant others, and people in general are exchangeable. Kids need the truth about reliable sources of adult support and attachment.

8.   She was permitted to watch insane amounts of television. Wholesome role models such as Madonna, Paris Hilton, and scantily-clad skanks dancing around in MTV videos have proven to be a great substitute for caring mothers and fathers. And if you believe that one, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I’d love to sell you.

9.    She got a smartphone when she was 10, and took awesome #selfies all day. With every picture she took to post to her social media sites, she became less sensitive to the idea of her images floating around on the web. Sexting, btw, is a booming practice, and a gateway technology usage that might lead to appearances on Internet porn sites. If a neglected daughter isn’t participating yet, she’s thinking it over.

gal_marilynmonroe_210.   Parents have let her peers raise their daughters and her friends want to be porn stars, Playboy models, the Bachelorette or any hyper-sexualized version of a real woman.

11.   Parents didn’t know their daughter’s friends. When a child has excessive contact with her peers and loses touch with safe adult attachments, the likelihood increases that she will become an addict, or become involved in sex for hire, as mentioned in addiction specialist Dr. Gabor Maté’s book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.

12.   Parents taught her to worship false idols before God. She never learned a healthy way to fill the spiritual void that is quintessentially human, especially when Mom and Dad are addicted to keeping up with the Joneses, or even better, being the Joneses. Isn’t it interesting that girls leave porn because they’ve found religion? No fake. Money, sexual exploration, and false adoration didn’t provide personal fulfillment like spirituality did. Who knew?

13.   The most tragic of all from parents’ perspectives: they truly tried their best but for whatever reason it wasn’t enough. Most likely, these were parents who simply didn’t have the necessary skills to raise a girl (or a boy) and yet they don’t know why their child has become a porn queen. In this category, you might include mothers who gave birth at the age of 16, or mothers who forced their daughters onto the birth control pill at the same age “just in case“, humiliating and infuriating her and emphasizing a lack of trust in her sexual behaviour.

14.   Mom and Dad loved her lots but they didn’t love her right. They weren’t in tune to her emotional and psychological needs. These parents have a problem with authentic intimacy too, and it’s often an intergenerational issue, a cycle that has never been broken and probably never will be. I knew a man like this once. He wasn’t a father (thank God) at that time. He was the strangest, most detached person I ever knew, able to manipulate people with insulting behaviour that he tried to cover up as if it was as natural as could be. He even manipulated a girlfriend into an abortion she didn’t want. When and if he becomes a father, his daughter is in for a very rough ride.

money_24077_lg15.   The parents were married to their careers and nurtured them far more than they did their children. I’m not talking about parents who have to both work a job in order to keep a roof over their children’s heads. Most of us have to do that. I’m talking about people who devote as many overtime hours into their careers as possible in the quest to get ahead and climb that promotional ladder, while forgetting that raising their kids just might be an important priority too.

16.   People who shower their children with gifts as a substitute for affection and spending time with their daughters are headed for trouble – and of course so are their daughters. These are the parents who protest, “of course I love her! I gave her everything a kid could want.” Materials (like false idols) are never proof that a person loves their children. In fact this approach is a convenient way to avoid spending time with their kids.

17.   A complete lack of stability. These are families with no roots, they pick up and move continually without a moment’s notice and no explanation to their children. Sometimes a spouse is left behind in the move and the daughter never sees him or her again. Secrecy, denial, and instability have severe effects on children, probably more than most adults realize.

18.   Low self-esteem and no friends. Traci Lords, an underage porn star, has discussed being bullied, beaten up by peers, and isolated at her school at the tender age of 14. Girls were envious of her pretty appearance and early physical development. Along with those characteristics, Traci had low self-esteem and few social skills, typical of girls who run away and have little attachment to their families.

lonely19.  Growing up in poverty. Some young women live in homes that provide scant food and clothing, they go to bed hungry, and worse, Mom and Dad seem to have enough money for dope but not enough for food. These girls want a way out of poverty and into fast, easy money. Enough said.

19. Parents who were themselves sexually abused. That vicious cycle again. It’s a killer.

20.  Children who were unwanted and unloved. Pornography becomes a sexual substitute for affection. Sex is a barter for love.

Obviously not everyone who lives in these difficult circumstances becomes involved in pornography so don’t get all riled up. For instance, some parents who are poor (not to be confused with poor parenting) manage to provide beautifully for their children. These are the parents who go hungry in order to feed their children. Poverty isn’t a sign of poor parenting. Many parents living in a high needs area I know are wonderful parents, who strive hard to help their children succeed academically and psychologically. They do not want their children to “end up like they did.” All of the aforementioned examples do not necessarily encourage  young women to enter into porn, certainly not when isolating merely one “point” on its own. The human mind as we know, is so much more complex than that.

People who are reading this blog and see themselves in it are probably pissed and in complete denial. They’re thinking “who is she to point her finger at me?” Someone’s got to do it. You certainly won’t. And of course there are people who are guilty of a number of these sad family tragedies yet who don’t see themselves in here at all. That’s probably the worst reaction to a blog like this one. If that’s you, your daughter probably isn’t in porn, but is it possible she’s developing other self-esteem issues? They say it’s never too late to turn your life around and perhaps that’s true of your parenting.

Well, perhaps.

September 3, 2013 Posted by | Bizarre yet True, corrruption, Human psychology, Reflections, Relationships | , , , , | 9 Comments

Social Media and Surly, Sour Spouses Make for a Sudden Separation

Temper tantrums are not pretty and usually do not end well. A young, ordinary couple in their 30s, Jim and Whitney, experience a typical domestic argument while driving along in Jim’s pickup truck (that desperately needs to have its tires rotated). Jim has broken a promise to his wife: to spend time with her at the lake that weekend on a boat ride. Her response is one of irate irrationality: she kicks, punches (not him), screams, wails, and throws a temper tantrum that would make a 2-year-old proud. He, on the other hand, does an admirable job of fuelling the fire with his passive-aggressive responses, some of them removed from the topic at hand:

  1. I need to get my tires rotated
  2. you throw tantrums when you want something
  3. we can’t afford it (a visit to the lake?)
  4. all over a pack of cigarettes
  5. all because I have to get shit done to my truck
  6. it’s not my fault
  7. social media is to blame (a comment he made later to an interviewer)

Listening to the conversation carefully, she explains she does “all her shit” before the weekend so they can spend time together on the weekend; he saves the weekend for additional chores. I tend to agree with her. i don’t agree with her volatile reaction but then again, he has sent her off the edge with repetitive, cold behaviour in their marriage. That he is drily amused isn’t helping matters any.

facebook_picHere’s where the social media aspect comes in: Jim surreptitiously videos his wife with his cam-phone, then downloads it onto Youtube where of course it goes viral. Mixed reactions come out of the video: that she is a “psycho” (not true) and he isn’t considerate (true). Bottom line, I haven’t yet seen any comments about the fact that this couple is in desperate need of marital counselling. Jim’s solution is a divorce and a restraining order,;well, that’s one alternative. But I’m not convinced about Jim’s innocence and I do not believe Whitney is a physical threat warranting a restraining order, or a psycho.

And a rationale, loving husband doesn’t videotape his wife having an emotional meltdown then download it onto Youtube.

Here is a quote from an online article about the marital discord: For those who can’t refrain from bashing their spouse online you may want to think twice. The time spent downing your Mrs. or Mr. could be better served elsewhere, like working on your marriage or deciding if your marriage is worth working on. If it’s beyond repair still resist the urge to publicly bash. It is hurtful and you never know who is reading. Besides, regardless of how terrible your spouse may be, you married them and you’re still there. 

tantrum23n-1-webBottom line, Jim is placing the blame on an “it” – social media, rather than where it belongs: on himself. And his wife.  Jim is a major part of the problem here. Let’s take an amateur marital therapist’s look at this is the situation:  Jim agreed to take Whitney to the lake on a boat trip on Saturday. Saturday rolled around and Jim decided that getting his tires rotated, something he could easily have done earlier in the week, was more important than spending time, as promised, with his wife. The pattern of make-a- promise-then-break-a-promise seems to be a regular occurrence in the marriage, as is obvious with statements made by the two of them. And establishing time for two spouses to connect together is vital in keeping a marriage healthy (hoo, boy).

Jim is accountable for:

  1. breaking a date and a promise with his wife
  2. laughing at her obvious duress 
  3. placing his marriage as second priority to his errands
  4. revealing their marital stress to the world via social media

Whitney is accountable for:

  1. reacting inappropriately 
  2. playing the victim role in response to her husband’s anticipated behaviour 
  3. attempting to manipulate her husband with emotional, rather than rational behaviour

They are both responsible for:

  1. not changing their perspectives and not seeking professional help for themselves and their marriage (from what I can tell)

In a wonderfully ironic accusation, Jim tells Whitney she will text all her friends about what a bad husband he is, even while he is filming womanher and planning on humiliating her with the video. This won’t merely reach their friends: it will reach viewers around the world. Yet, Jim insists that it is social media that has destroyed his marriage. I would beg to differ. Social media has nothing to do with this unhappy pair’s unhealthy marriage. The video didn’t download itself onto Youtube. This is about two immature people who do not know how to be married, yet, lack the insight to do something about it.

An objective (admittedly amateur)  perspective into this couple’s marriage might suggest these possible steps to a solution:

  1. Sit down on a calm day and discuss (with a mediator if necessary) what each spouse thinks is the problem in the marriage (NOT what each other does wrong – blame doesn’t ever help anyone).
  2. Agree on a recent conflict of interest then agree on an alternative plan. In this example, Whitney wants to go to the lake on the weekend for a boat trip with Jim.
  3. Jim agrees. Jim must now stick to his promise and look forward to it, not act as though he is simply playing the role of dutiful husband.
  4. Whitney, meantime, must help Jim to find time during the week to have his tires rotated.
  5. He works a 60 hour work wee, ergo, his time is short.
  6. Whitney could take the truck to get the tires rotated so Jim has time for their weekend date.
  7. Whitney could go to the lake by herself or with a friend.

Before you insist that it doesn’t make sense for a couple to separate their interests on the weekend and pursue activities on their own, consider this true scenario: a wife wasn’t happy because her husband continually brought work home on weekends and ignored her and the kids. She nagged and argued and generally lost her mind. One day she went alone to a marital therapist who suggested something very simple: go on outings on her own and make new friends. After a few weeks, her husband finally noticed she wasn’t around on weekends and seemed to be having a lot of fun. He packed up his laptop and asked if he could join her. Many people’s natural instinct would be to say no out of spite, but the idea was to save the marriage so she allowed him to join her. Problem solved.

depositphotos_4252558-Happy-married-coupleThis sounds simple, however, Jim and Whitney’s troubles are a repetitive pattern, as witnessed by Whitney’s meltdown. This means the couple needs to isolate the source of the pattern and prevent it from happening again. Beginning with face to face communication, not communication by email, text, or Youtube, might have been a solid solution here. Miscommunication and an unhealthy cycle of behaviour between the couple are too blame: not social media.

August 3, 2013 Posted by | Bizarre yet True, Human psychology, Relationships | , , , , | Leave a comment

Love-Hate Relationships Don’t Exist but Apathy Certainly Does

Why you say? I bet you think the opposite of love is hate and the opposite of hate is love.  Wrongo.  The opposite of both is indifference or lonelyapathy. Indifference and apathy both mean to not care, to ignore, to have no attachment to in any manner, including a negative one. It makes sense. Loving and hating require lots of energy, time and attention. They both require thought processes and memories. Sometimes they result in actions in the extreme, or repetitive actions. They can both be obsessive and selfish.

To be apathetic or indifferent means to not exert energy, and to not acknowledge. That person is nothing to you; neither pro nor con and certainly not worth worrying about.  That person has no power over you and simply doesn’t factor into your life.  In fact, so inattentive are you that you may be quite unaware the depth of their emotions. You may even be unaware that they exist. If they operate in any context with you, it is utterly meaningless and not worth noticing. That’s where the expression “I’m not going to argue with you,” possibly originates from: you just aren’t worth the effort and you don’t matter anyway.

An apat005hetic individual in the extreme (not merely one who doesn’t hate or love),experiences an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life. Necrophiles could come under this category, as they see nothing positive in living, and only find some sort of release through preoccupation with death. An indifferent person may lack a sense of purpose or meaning in his/her life. He or she may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness. They sound like the living dead. I think of people of that nature (and possibly I know of one) as zombie-like, without chasing people down for their brains. Rather, it’s that zombie state induced by a sedative or an extreme lack of sleep. They’re there, but not really.

Can you imagine living your life that way? I doubt you do or you wouldn’t be a person who reads blogs in your spare time. Finding meaning and purpose in nothing and believing life is an unimportant existence we are simply born into is the life of a necrophile or true apathy. That would be a fun friend on a Saturday night. In psychology, apathy is  a result of  feeling one doesn’t possess the skills required to confront a challenge.B_F__Skinner_at_Harvard_circa_1950  Or some individuals  have developed the phenomenon known as learned helplessness. Learned helplessness was a theory founded by psychologist B.F. Skinner, although it was later  proven incorrect by Seligman and Maier. Their theory suggested that a human or animal could be conditioned into believing in their own helpless in a given situation, even if there are opportunities for escape. An interesting anecdote which has nothing to do with anything was the rumour that B F Skinner forced his infant daughter into a box for several hours a day for two years.  He practiced operant conditioning on her with severe punishment and “bright rewards”. Ultimately she became psychotic and committed suicide by shotgun at the age of 31. All nonsense.  Truly this rumour wasn’t started by anyone within an apathetic state of mind.  Just a loser. Or a nihilist.

I read an interesting quote today: Hate is love in it’s ugliest form.  Interesting.  I have to mull that over since it eradicates the theory that hate and love have nothing to do with one another.  My brother once was roommates with a young man who must have suffered from a pers59020576_39878435beonality disorder.  I don’t know if it was existentialism, existentialist nihilism, or neither, but this guy was something else. He didn’t have a relationship with my brother, he just sort of tolerated him (even though my bro’ is an extremely likeable and funny man). He barely had conversations with him and when he did they were critical and blameworthy.  Once, my brother asked if he could bring his girlfriend over to watch a movie; his roommate assured him it was no problem.  When they got there, the roommate had placed a videotape just at the edge of a video player and written on its spine ‘FUCK OFF.”  Just hearing about that incident gave me chills.  Certainly that had to be nihilism of some sort. In that case, the nihilist was eroding himself, not my brother or his girlfriend. That’s one of the many oddball concepts about nihilism: it does more harm to the nihilist than those who reject it.

Which brings us back to apathy, indifference and love and hate. Perhaps it is all of this balled up together that leads to stalkers and their victims. If hate is indeed love in its ugliest form, do the two together make a stalker? The stalker lays claim to a victim who may not even be aware of his or her existence. Pathetic, really. Which is worst? The victim who has no idea the stalker exists or the victim who simply has no regard for the idiot, unaware of the danger s/he may be in? (Of course I’m not talking which is worst for the victim). Perhaps it is more pitiful to be utterly unknown by one’s obsession than to be disregarded. Invisibility has got to be more of an insult.

All of the aforementioned convinces me that of all the dangers and negativity in the world, apathy has to be one of the worst.  Picture an apathetic community, school community, government, medical system, law enforcement, and indifference to social norms. I wouldn’t want to live in that society. The only hope I suppose would be escape from that community (in the event that this environment hasn’t instilled learned helplessness).  In the event that it has, there’s always suicide; the ultimate apathy, when a person doesn’t have enough regard for life to value his or her own.

April 21, 2013 Posted by | Bizarre yet True, Crime and Punishment, Relationships | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Clingy, Craving, Callous Co-Dependent: the “better half” of the Narcissist

I seem to have an obsession with this type, the egomaniac, also known as narcissist, although I don’t get it myself.  I have met a few and damn, theyNarcissist are so annoying and, well, narcissistic.  You can’t help but loathe them or simply want to get the hell away from them and this seems to be a sensible reaction to a narcissist.  In fact, I discovered a few cool things about personality disorders and two types of people: those who sense the unhealthy personality and avoid it, and those who sense it (or don’t sense it) and enter into a relationship with that person. That’s a tad worrisome. Imagine knowing instinctively that something is creepy about someone and instead of becoming cautious, becoming intrigued and attracted? That’s just wrong. There is a profile of person who gets involved with the narcissist, and, not surprisingly, that profile is also rather weird.

The Co-Dependent
Just as the egomaniac (which we fondly refer to as an ass—le) has a fancy, psychiatric label so does the unfortunate submissive who becomes involved with him or her (although more frequently it is a “him”, just as more frequently the female is the dependent). The co is controlled by another person, who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction). Narcissists are natural magnets for the codependent. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance to the point where they martyr themselves, and practice excessive self-sacrifice. They suffer from abandonment anxiety. They accept the role of victim yet in this manner they attempt to control their abusers to a degree.

Types of Co-Dependents
It gets more complicated. You get 5 co-dependents to sort through.

The Type 1 Co-Dependent – Clinging and smothering behaviours, almost mortal fear of abandonment and separation. They never obtain true autonomy.
Case Study: Mona, 32
I know I won’t actually die, but it often feels like it
.” – says Mona and nervously pats her auburn hair – “I can’t live without him, that’s for sure. When he isFear_of_death_by_cdaemon gone, it’s like life switching from Technicolor to black and white. There is no excitement, this electricity in the air that seems to constantly surround him.” Sometimes she feels like throwing up at the mere thought of separating or being abandoned by him. She is helpless without him: He is gorgeous and a great lover. Is he intellectually stimulating? “He is more the silent strong type.” She is supporting him financially. “He is studying“. In the last seven years he had switched from psychology to political science to physical therapy. How long will she continue to support him? “As long as it takes. I love him”.

She acknowledges that he is verbally and physically abusive. He has cheated on her many times. She even participated in group sex to make his fantasies come true. So, why is she still with him? “He has his good sides. I want to learn how to hold on to him.”- she whispers – “He is a very special man and has special needs. I am looking for guidance on how to hook him. I want him to become addicted to me, like a junkie.” She consulted all her friends and casual acquaintances. Does she have many friends? Not any more. People get tired of her, they say that she is clinging. But that’s not true – she only asks their advice on a regular basis. “What are friends for, anyhow?”
The Type 2 Co-DependentThe Drama Queen. They gain control over others by feigning helplessness, manipulating others into meeting their needs. They use emotional blackmail.
The Type 3 Co-Dependent – This person lives vicariously through others, often their children.  They suspend their own needs in order to fulfill the needs of others. This creates a sense that they are “needed“; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them.

Case Study:Anonymous
A female friend of mine keeps going for guys that are underdogs, losers that drain her financially and emotionally. It’s now causinglonely her real problems. She’s early 40’s and finding hard to move out of a relationship that’s not doing her any good. She admits that she has some sort of saviour. She says she needs to, “look at why I have to do this for everyone and how the savior in me desires to constantly save. It is true that he is a chauvinistic narcissist and that his behaviour is unacceptable and repulsive. But all he needs is a little love and he will be straightened out. I will give him the love that he lacked as a child. Then his narcissism will vanish.”

The Type 4 Co-Dependent – The Counter-Dependent – This one is subtle.  A Narcissist often displays a counter-dependent personality. They despise authority figures.  Their sense of self depends upon defying authority. They are fiercely independent and controlling. Many are anti-social (you don’t say). The counter feels trapped in an intimate relationship. This nut is locked into a cycle of approach and avoidance.

The Type 5 Co-Dependent – The Covert Narcissist – A co-dependent can be a narcissist (talk about messed up). Also called the inverted narcissist” this co depends exclusively on narcissists. The inverted narcissist craves a relationship with a narcissist. She seeks relationships with narcissists and only with narcissists. She feels empty and unhappy in relationships with non-narcissists.

Case Study – Unhappy Childhood
A psychiatric patient described her experience as her father’s “favourite” child: I grew up in the shadow of my father, who adored me. He told me I could do or be anything I want to be because I was brilliant, but, he ate me alive. I was his property.  I also grew up with a mounting hatred of my narcissist brother who got no attention from my father or my mother. My job was to make my father look wonderful to all outsiders, with a genius wonderkid. When I stepped out of line even the tiniest bit, these were enough to warp my personality.

  1. The Adult Inverted Narcissist
    The fear of losing and being humiliated is so intense that I’m terrified of showing people that I care about doing well, because it’s so sha40396694-woman-cryingming for me if I lose. When I’m in a competitive dynamic with someone, I can’t hear about any of their successes or compliments they have received. I don’t even like to see the person doing good things, like bringing Thanksgiving leftovers to the sick. Those things make me feel inferior for not thinking of doing them myself.  It is just so incredibly painful for me to see the other person’s good qualities because it immediately brings up my feeling of inferiority. This deep and obsessive envy is destroying my joy in other people. I have a hostile, corrosive envy at other people for being all the wonderful things I can’t be. I would love to feel happy for someone else, but I can’t stop the incredible pain that explodes in me.
  2. A female inverted narcissist stated: When my pathological envy gets triggered I would be bluntly honest about it. I’ll say, you always get the good stuff and I get nothing. People like you better. I’m a jerk. Or I might get hostile and say it must be nice to have so many people worshipping you. i am totally flooded with the pain of feeling utterly inferior. From my therapist’s point of view I am much better off than a full-blown narcissist because I know I am unhappy.
  3. Another female inverted narcissist claimed: One thing that triggers my rage is my inability to control another person, to dominate and force my reality on them. Part of what I’m feeling is envy. That person who can’t be controlled clearly has a Self, and I don’t. I also want to get narcissistic supply by being in control and on top and have the other person become submissive and compliant. It`s as though I`ve been possessed by a demon acting out all this abusive, horrible stuff and then after the departure of the demon it`s like, what have I done.

The Co-Dependent in a Relationship
Ther co’s view their relationships in terms of “black and white” (an infantile psychological defense mechanism known as “splitting”.)   are the result of regarding their relationships as either doomed to failure or everlasting and their mates as both unique and indispensable (“soulmate”, “twin”) or completely interchangeable (objectified.) As a codependent, you tend to jump to conclusions and then “jump the gun”: you greatly exaggerate the significance of even minor infractions and disagreements and you are always unduly fatalistic  and pessimistic about the survival chances of your relationships.

Object Relations Theory
A co’s unfortunate circumstances usually begin with a codependent parent (here we go blaming poor mom and dad again). With that type of parent, the needs of an infant are necessary but temporary, whereas the needs of the codependent are constant. If you believe in psychiatric theories, then you might ascribe to the Object Relations Theory, which refers to a child’s natural process in turning people and events into object (rather like a stamp on the unconscious mind). These objects are carried into adulthood. If you experienced a happy childhood with a mother who encouraged your autonomy while at the same time providing a safe haven for your upbringing, you would probably find the same experience in your future. By contrast, an adult who experienced neglect or abuse in infancy would expect similar behavior from others who remind him of the neglectful or abusive person from their past, particularly when codependence has been part of this experience.. This unhappy existence isn’t the fulfillment of a psychological dream. It’s familiarity, the only relationships the co-dependent or narcissist understands.

The Irony of Recognition
Should a person, say a hurt-tattoos-painfulman, believe that his wife is codependent, he can be sure the same is true of himself.  It takes two to make or break a relationship, and this is as true of the codependent relationship as any other type. At the same time that a husband complains about the clingy, needy, nagging wife, he has also shown an attraction to such women and hence he has ended up in a tiresome marriage.  These men are unable to establish stable boundaries between themselves and their demanding wives.  At first, the codependent man feels flattered and manly: he is rescuing a needy female and providing her with security. Over time of course, her needs become unreasonable and the only way he can remove himself from her smothering demands is to become a workaholic, have affairs, or turn to drugs and alcohol. Codependent couples are reactive because they each lack autonomy and are emotionally dependent upon each other. Some men are verbally and even physically abused by their wives and girlfriends and don’t know how to handle it. Often, they’re afraid that authorities won’t believe that their wives are violent and feel humiliated and ashamed that they can’t deal with it themselves.

And you thought your relationship had problems?

February 4, 2013 Posted by | Bizarre yet True, Human psychology, Relationships | , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Picasso the Brilliant Misogynist

I didn’t purposely become a Picasso fan.  In fact I know very little about the man and his work. Whenever I am at an art gallery or out and about and I see a Picasso, I do not know who painted it. The interesting thing is I always walk straight toward it, lured by its uniqueness and say to my friend “that is awesome.”  I get up close enough to see who the artist is and lo and behold, it’s de man! Obviously there are some paintings I know belong to Picasso: his cubism is unmistakable.  The history of Picasso and cubism however, is not as well-known.

Picasso gets all the credit for cutting up people and objects like a jigsaw puzzle then putting the pieces back in all the wrong order. However he alone did not create this genre.  George Braque is overlooked for this one. Poor old Braque never gets his due. To be fair to Picasso, cubism revolutionized European painting and sculpture, It inspired related movements in music, literature and architecture. Cubism has been considered the most influential art movement of the 20th century. Who wouldn’t want to be solely credited for that type of influence? watch picasso & braque: inventing cubism

I mention cubism and Picasso for a reason: his cubism and portrayals of women go hand in hand.  Picasso didn’t love women: he used and abused them, even though women were frequent subjects in his work.   Before he was married to his first wife, Picasso met Fernande Oliviere.  Although Fernande was married, she stayed with Picasso for 7 years.  Fernande modeled for other artists then moved in with Picasso, who prevented her from modeling for others.  Fernande left Picasso in 1912, months after Picasso took an interest in Marcelle Humbert, known as Eva Gouel.  At age 70, Picasso paid the bedridden Fernande a small pension. Picasso was devastated by Gouel’s early death due to tuberculosis or cancer.   Still, during Eva’s sickness Picasso managed a  relationship with Gaby Lespinasse. watch pablo picasso burning sensations

When he was married to his first wife he boldly installed his 17-year-old mistress in an apartment across the street and moved in with her.  His wife was Olga Khokhlova, a ballerina with the Sergei Diaghilev troupe. In 1927 Picasso met the teenaged Marie-Thérèse Walter and began a secret affair with her. Picasso’s relation with Marie was kept from Olga until Olga was told of Marie’s pregnancy. Picasso’s marriage to Khokhlova soon ended. Picasso fathered a daughter with Walter. Marie understandably became jealous when Picasso started to fall in love with Dora Maar in 1936. Marie-Thérèse lived in the vain hope that Picasso would one day marry her, and hanged herself four years after Picasso’s death. watch picasso’s women through 7 paintings

In 1943 Picasso (age 62) then kept company with young art student Françoise Gilot (born in 1921). Gilot, frustrated with Picasso’s relationships with other woman and his abusive nature left him in 1953. Dejected and alone, in 1953 Picasso met Jacqueline Roque and she became his second wife.  Jacqueline died from shooting herself in 1986.  watch surviving picasso

Two wives.  Several mistresses.  Two women who committed suicide after loving Picasso.  Infidelity and betrayal.  A selfish disregard for his many women’s’ dignity and feelings.  Picasso was not a lover.  Picasso was a misogynist.  Small wonder that he painted pictures of his women, scattered their image and reassembled them into a cubist work of art,  just as he scattered their lives into turmoil, rearranged their lives and dignity, leading them to a traumatic end. watch picasso paints a woman

July 13, 2012 Posted by | Bizarre yet True, Celebrity Chic, Human psychology, Pop Culture, Relationships | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

John – the Other Side of Beth Thomas

One person I have completely and unintentionally ignored in the Beth Thomas saga is her brother, John.  John had to survive abuse from two family members: his father and his sister.  I will word this blog very carefully so as not to have any misunderstanding: I sympathize with Beth, a child of 3 who was horribly abused by her own father after her mother’s death.  She learned the horrible things she did to herself, her brother and her step-parents. Both children were victims and both children suffered. To quote Rudyard Kipling, a male survivor of childhood abuse and author of the Jungle Book, children accept “what comes to them…as eternally established.” watch how is emotional blindness created

Child literature has long documented authors’ experiences as abused children. Fairytales and folktales use socially acceptable metaphors, wicked witches and ogres, the way a child views an abusive, powerful parent, as the hero’s sources of evil. The stories reveal where the author’s “imaginative” perspective originates; it isn’t imagination at all but reality that shapes these stories, plots and characters. Kipling’s Jungle Book and its characters are proof of his own suffering. The abuser is disguised as Sheer Khan, the dreaded tiger who wishes to “devourMowgli. Khan is the woman who devoured Kipling’s childhood.

A very telling conversation takes place between the tiger and Mowgli, revealing an abused child’s wisdom that no matter how society protects the abuser it cannot conceal the truth from the child. “Can it be that you don’t know who I am?” smirks the tiger.  “I know who you are alright,” says Mowgli.  So did John and Beth. watch the jungle book – final battle

John was an infant during the trauma he experienced from his father and a toddler during Beth’s enraged attacks. He is an adult now. I wonder what happened in his psychological development as he matured. Did he also overcome his traumatic beginning? Did he learn to trust his step-parents?  Beth was abused because she was small and powerless.  For that reason, she learned to abuse her brother, who was smaller and less powerful than herself. Did he hate his sister? Did he believe Beth hated him? No one will ever know.  At first, John was adopted by good people yet they were people so traumatized by their experience with Beth, they felt they had to defend their decision to relinquish her. watch Alfred hitchcock – hitch Hike

David Pelzer’s experience, the “child called It,” and his mother’s “target child” (himself), is considered “one of the worst documented cases of child abuse in California history.” He became a troubled youth, broke the law, went into juvenile detention, associated with the wrong kids, was transferred among numerous foster homes, unable to trust or love, unwanted and rejected. Today he is a motivational speaker and author of several autobiographies and other publications that inspire youth to love and respect themselves and above all, never to fear the truth. In spite of his miraculous recovery, Pelzner’s life centers around his abusive past. He has never gotten over it, he is still processing and trying to understand it, even if he has learned to deal with it from a positive perspective. This is known as lifelong healing. At the same time, David Pelzer, like Beth Thomas, is living proof that it is possible to overcome the impossible life of a horribly abused childhood.  watch david pelzer on larry king 

I hope John’s story is the same.

July 13, 2012 Posted by | corrruption, Crime and Punishment, Education, Human psychology, Reflections, Relationships | , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

You Don’t Exist – You’re Mostly an Illusion

Bruce Hood is the Director of the Bristol Cognitive Development Centre at the University of Bristol.He is the author of several books, including SuperSense: Why We Believe the Unbelievable. In Hood’s opinion, our self-concept is an illusion and illusion is a subjective experience that is not what it seems. Let me re-word that one.  Our illusion of self doesn’t truly exist in the world; it is what our brain perceives it to be.  Got it.  Not that I necessarily agree, mind you.

The Self as an Illusion

Most of us have an experience of a self but that experience is an illusion. The sense of our self is as an integrated individual inhabiting a body and there is also a self that reflects upon our history, our current activities and our future plans. I think it helps to compare the experience of self to illusions such as the Kanizsa pattern where you see an invisible shape that is defined by the surrounding context. It is a trick of the mind but the brain generates the neural activation as if the illusory shape was really there.  So let’s get this one straight:  there really is no Kanizsa pattern at all; our brain simply creates the illusion of a pattern that doesn’t exist.  Psych! watch illusory correlation

That reminds me of another bit of research I did where a neurologist explained that there is no such thing as colour.  We don’t see actual colour. Like animals, everything around us is actually seen in black and white.  Our brains possess red, white and blue light sources that create the colours we are supposed to see in certain objects. For instance a tree isn’t really brown and green.  It’s black, white and shades of grey but we impose colour upon it based upon how our brains think it should appear.  Hence the reason colour blindness exists. watch no such thing as colour – what it’s like to be colour blind

The reason that reality cannot be applied to the self, is that it does not exist independently of the brain alone.  Artists, illusionists, movie makers, and experimental psychologists have repeatedly shown conscious experience is manipulatable. Memories are also abstracted reinterpretations of events – we all hold distorted memories of past experiences. The jury’s out on this one. Yes memories are often distorted but according to whom?  How can the distortion of memory be proven if the self that experienced these past events is merely illusion? watch manipulation through fear

Childhood Influences

Everything we value in life has something to do with other people. Much of that influence occurs early in our development, which is one reason why human childhoods are so prolonged. We invest effort and time into our children to pass on knowledge and experience.  The self continues to develop throughout a lifetime, especially as our roles change to accommodate others. This philosophy seems the most feasible for me. We have to be shaped by other human beings or else our dependency on our families and our childhoods wouldn’t last as long as they do.  And certainly we see specific behaviours, beliefs and attitudes passed down through generations.  watch lecture of a lifetime

Globalization

The role of globalization and technology is an intriguing development. There is evidence of homophily – the grouping together of individuals who share a common perspective. More interesting is evidence of polarization. Rather than opening up and exposing us to different perspectives, social networking can foster more radicalization as we seek out others who share our positions. The grouping together of people, the need and drive to find others who share interests and perspectives is more proof that the self is largely shaped by others. Even in a virtual reality (interesting concept) humans feel the need to interact in what they believe to be a mutual and beneficial social order. watch social media and the creation of self

Alan Turing

An intriguing, tragic example of the self and the illusion of self is to be found in Alan Turing’s experience of self. Turing was an English mathematician, logician, cryptanalyst, and computer scientist. He was highly influential in the development of computer science, and developed the concepts (love it) of “algorithm” and “computation” with the Turing machine. This played a significant role in the creation of the modern computer. What then is Turing’s true self? Mathematician? Computer scientist? Cryptanalyst?  Further, when the British government discovered Turing was homosexual, he was put on trial and eventually subjected to hormone treatments meant to”cure” his homosexuality.  Turing grew breasts and his voice became higher.  What sense of self was Turing left with then?  Clearly not a happy or stable one: he committed suicide two years after the beginning of the hormone treatments. watch the death of alan turing

Free Will

Free will is a logical impossibility. People cannot make choices independently of the multitude of factors that control a decision. Hence we need to be vigilant about the way our attitudes will be challenged as we come to understand the factors that control our behaviors. To an extent I agree that free will is impossible.  If we accept that people are shaped throughout their lives by their interactions with other people, especially those who create our experience of childhood then truly acting on an independent and objective perspective is an impossibility.  This is not to say that we cannot control our actions but it certainly attributes many of them to our memories and our learned experiences.  watch neuroscience and free will

An example of this is people who are recruited into cults.  Their entire concept of self is altered in the extreme by people with whom they have little in common. The latter is changed in order to bring about control and manipulation of the individual and indeed to obliterate individual thought and behaviour (if such a thing exists) entirely. Cultists who claim to have the freedom to come and go from cult compounds and the free will to leave at any time they wish are self-delusional.  Their minds and actions are so controlled by the cult community that they have no will to leave or to come and go independent of others in the cult. So devoted are the recruits to these cults that they sacrifice their own lives in order to retain their illusory self-concept. watch on cult recruiting techniques

Abuse and Self-Concept

I agree with a number of Hood’s concepts yet the self being entirely illusory is not something I accept, or else how is it that we interact with others at all? Typical responses to individual choices include, “what about someone who is abused by their parents yet they never abuse their own children because of what they went through” serve to uphold Hood’s theory even more.  The determination to not abuse one’s child based on one’s own childhood experiences is indeed the shaping of self from past memories and events. Can this explain the actions of serial killers, rapists, murderers, and criminals in general?  I believe so.  Even if there was no physical or sexual abuse in the childhood home, certain factors must have been in place to create an individual without empathy and possessing the ability to destroy innocent people who have done them no harm.  watch reich propaganda outlet uses nazi brainwashing

Nature vs Nurture

The argument of nature versus nurture is ongoing.  Do I believe that certain brain mechanisms can interfere with the development of a healthy (if illusory) self? Yes I do.  Yet which came first in such a case?  It is a proven fact that abuse shapes the neural pathways in the human brain, helping to formulate one’s concept of reality and one’s role in the world. In other words, abuse shapes the biological development of the brain and helps to create one’s sense of self. Or in the case of nature, were these neural pathways damaged before birth and was the individual born defective? No one will ever answer that question satisfactorily. Perhaps that is because the self is not one of free will, and therefore not a true concept. watch early childhood brain development

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Consider this theory in relation to multiple personality disorder or more aptly dissociative identity disorder.  The latter truly connects the concept of self and identity as an illusion.  If you believe in DID (jury’s out) then the selves or alters that comprise such a person are superficial, 2-dimensional constructs that are not fully developed human beings.  Instead they play specific roles within the human psyche and act them out in the “real world” when needed. Perhaps DID is a prime example of the self as illusory: clearly the experiences of a person with such a profound disorder has been based on ongoing, ritualistic trauma, obliterating the adherence of a single self and a single self-concept.  Working through childhood memories and co-relating the ongoing development of a single self (if integration occurs) for those who possess this disorder must be challenging in the extreme.  watch you’re not crazy and you’re not alone

Related blogs: You’re not as unique as you think – ask your dreams

Children of Rage: Beth Thomas and Mary Flora Bell

Related PowerPoint: Dissociative identity disorder

May 24, 2012 Posted by | Bizarre yet True, Human Biology, Human psychology, Relationships | , , , , | Leave a comment

A Weird Reason to Oppose Divorce

A little boy of 7 was pulled over (probably for speeding and driving without a permit) by cops in Detroit recently. Incredibly he was able to stand on the gas pedal and steer, completely familiar with the concept of how to drive. The reason?  He wanted to go to his daddy’s house. He didn’t appear to want to spend the night with Mommy. 7-year-old boy drives 32km at 80 km/hr  At the time cops pulled him over his mother was at home slumbering blissfully, completely unaware that her 7-year-old son had made a brake (pun) for freedom and a mad dash to his father’s house. That’s wrong on so many levels:

  1. who taught this kid how to drive?
  2. haven’t his parents noticed this kid is still traumatized by their divorce?
  3. why doesn’t the kid have more choice regarding where he lives?
  4. Watch divorce and children

Alright so numbers 1 and 2 aren’t legal issues but #1 is definitely weird. I mean how does a 7-year-old figure out how to drive on his own? He doesn’t. Someone let him stand on the gas pedal and hold the wheel as the driver controlled speeds and watched for stop signs. # 2 is another good reason not to divorce unless it’s really, really crucial. Personally I think once you’ve made your bed you lie in it. That’s a bit harsh I know but a marriage counsellor and a genuine attempt to stay together can keep people from getting a lawyer. It’s okay if you are childless.  Not so okay when there are kids who are suffering to that extent. gary coleman on divorce court

Issue #3 is a legal one. In most regions kids under 10 cannot choose between their parents. The court usually divides up time between the father and the mother and, except in the case of abuse or neglect, the child has no choice but to live with both at different times. Sounds easy right? Look at this little kid. I beg to differ. But that’s the law, right or wrong. Watch ecounseling’s how can i help my children through divorce

And here’s what the poor little guy has to look forward to:

  • Children from divorced families are more likely to have academic problems.
  • They are more likely to be aggressive and get in trouble with school authorities or the police.
  • These children are more likely to have low self-esteem and feel depressed.
  •  Children who grow up in divorced families often have more difficulties getting along with siblings, peers, and their parents.
  •  In adolescence, they are more likely to engage in delinquent activities, to get involved in early sexual activity, and to experiment with illegal drugs.
  • In  adolescence and young adulthood, they are more likely to have some difficulty forming intimate relationships and establishing independence from their families.  watch divorce advice: how divorce affects teens

When you decide to marry, pick wisely.

Watch Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 South Park

June 23, 2011 Posted by | Bizarre yet True, Relationships | , , , | Leave a comment

Dear Abby Answers Divorce Questions

Remember Dear Abby?  I don’t know her credentials (the real one probably didn’t have any) but her column is so successful it’s been around for 50 years or more.  While we’re on the subject of marriage and divorce here are a few questions to Dear Abby that intrigued me:

Dear Abby:

I married the love of my life, “Simon,” a year ago. At the time, I was five months pregnant. While Simon and I stood taking our vows at the altar, his mother, “Bernice,” stood up and announced that the reason we were being married was because I was pregnant. When plans were made to celebrate Simon’s college graduation Bernice made dinner reservations for everyone except me. Simon’s response was, “I can’t control my mother.Abby, I was so fed up with my husband that I kicked him out. What can I do?

Whether or not your marriage is salvageable is up to your husband. You married a man with an impossible, domineering and hostile mother. Because Simon hasn’t accepted his own responsibility in the conception of this child, he has allowed his mother to portray you as the tramp who tricked him into fatherhood. There is nothing you can do.  Moral: Ladies, stay away from Mama’s boys (fits in nicely with the Ed Gein story). watch monster-in-law

Dear Abby:

My husband, “Gene,” and I both wanted children, and our daughter was born in 2001. Gene was brought up old-fashioned, he decided I was to stay at home and care for the house and kids while he worked. We’d argue and the result was my being choked. One time, he broke my nose.  I left for good six weeks ago. Abby,  would it be a slap in the face if Gene and I worked out our differences and forgot about the past?

It could be a slap in the face; it could also be a broken jaw. Nowhere in your letter did you mention that he has any desire to change. Because your 4-year-old daughter knows no different, she thinks her daddy’s behavior is normal. It is urgent that she learn it is not normal, and it’s your job to teach her that lesson by example. Moral: Punching bags belong in the gym, not in the house. watch  spousal abuse is no joke

Dear Abby:

I’m a single man who has never married. I fell in love with a divorced mother of two who told me while we were dating that she’d been having an affair with a man I’ll call “Rex.” She recently confided to me that Rex came over during Easter and they’d had sex. We no longer date, but I still have strong feelings for her. How can I help her? 

Help her? Has it occurred to you this woman may be happy the way things are? She knows there’s no future with this man, but she allows this on-again, off-again affair to continue. Rather than trying to get her head out of the clouds, how about working on your own? You can’t “save” someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Moral: There’s a sucker born every minute. Watch how you win when your mate cheats

Dear Abby:

After six years of marriage my wife, “Chanelle,” demanded a separation. She said she needed time to “find herself.” She forgot to mention that she was having an affair with a subordinate at work, “Earl.”  Suddenly she wanted me back. She used a string of lies to cover her activities, so I’m having trust issues. Both sets of in-laws are trying to sabotage the marriage. Can this marriage be saved?

Absolutely, provided you and your wife are willing to work out your problems in marriage counseling. You must explore what drove you apart and fix it. Do not blame your parents for their attitude, or your in-laws. If you and Chanelle make it clear nothing will come between you, they’ll come to accept it. Moral: Apparently there’s someone out there for everyone. Watch cheating spouses

June 4, 2011 Posted by | Relationships | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment