Blame Frank Zappa for Notably Noxious Infant Names
Imagine calling your kid Talulu Does the Hula from Hawaii? If those weren’t a couple of crack dealers than who is? A judge allowed this child to become a ward of the court for parent cruelty in order for the child to change her name. Nice. Check these out: Fish and Chips (twins), Yeah Detroit, 4Real (perhaps they confused their infant for a personalized license plate), Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit (talk about setting up your kid to be a slut) were banned in various courts around the world but get this: Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence were allowed. The latter must be a-okay in Lebanon. Read 10 illegal baby names. Like most reasonably normal-minded people my guess was certain religious and possibly terrorist/political names would be the illegal names in question. How wrong I was. Mohammed in the Middle East for instance is a great way to get yourself and your infant stoned to death. Jesus, while controversial in spelling is okay so long as it is pronounced hay-Zeus. Naming your kid Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein or Al Queda might not be wise no matter where in the world you live but so far I haven’t heard anyone venturing into those waters. (Give it time, folks, give it time).
But the prize for Pitifully Punitive Infant Name goes to Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 . A Swedish couple chose that handle (pronounced Arbin … seriously) as a response to Sweden’s strict code on infant names (not strict enough it would appear). This ludicrous naming of infants has gotten so out of hand that Norway has had to “replace their list of officially sanctioned names with a general ban on monikers featuring swearing, sex and illnesses.” I guess it’s just easier.
What does Frank Zappa have to do with the contemporary spate of gargoyle-like infant names? He was the original parent who named his daughter after a thing, rather than a person: Moon Unit. That’s right. Moon Unit Zappa. Before there was Apple, Dalmatian, Metallica, IKEA, Veranda, Q. and Google there was Moon Unit (incidentally Google is still legal in Sweden. I don’t know). Mind you Zappa also produced a tune entitled Don’t Eat that Yellow Snow before he had a daughter so perhaps we should have seen that one on the horizon. Listen to Don’t Eat That Yellow Snow. To be sure Moon Unit proudly lived up to her name: she was no wallflower. She was Daddy’s girl and with Daddy’s band she rapped in val-speak for his hit song entitled Valley Girl (it was pretty good actually – as are Zappa’s tunes in electronic, jazz, avant garde, classical, orchestra). Listen to Valley Girl here. Moon Unit later made another hit entitled My Mother Is a Space Cadet (no comment) accompanied on guitar by her brother Dweezil (okay, even I can’t justify that one). Watch Frank Zappa music industry decline
Let me however qualify Frank Zappa and his right to name Moon Unit, er, Moon Unit. Watch A tragically ill Frank Zappa about Capt Beefheart
- Zappa’s eccentric musical propensity catapulted him into his own mental twilight entirely, taking his band the Mothers of Invention along with him Watch Frank Zappa documentary Part I
- Zappa was a talented musician, artist, composer, video director, and a sociopolitical shit-disturber
- Just as incredible, he was self-taught in his talent (he began composing classical music while still in high school) and even invented his own musical genres that defy classification to this day. (You know what really rocks about Zappa? He played bicycle. Yes you read that right. Bicycle. That probably sums up his genius right there. Imagine listening to a kid with a hockey card on the spokes of his bike and hearing music in it? Watch Frank Zappa at 22 1/4 and Frank Zappa at 22 2/4
In other words, Zappa didn’t need a name like Moon Unit to distinguish himself from the crowd. He didn’t covet that 15 minutes of fame. Zappa, like Warhol, personified fame. If Warhol presented the look of fame, Zappa composed the sound. Clearly the ordinary lacklustre laymen (and women) who humiliated their children with the aforementioned monikers lack their own uniqueness and project their narcissism onto their unsuspecting offspring: these mothers and fathers can’t achieve anything as noteworthy (pun) as Moon Unit’s daddy; perhaps their children’s slam-dunk into Hell’s Hall of Humiliation will do it for them. Watch Frank Zappa David Letterman show
I’m waiting now for a list of popular bands to top the list of unpopular baby names…someone started it with Metallica. The English Beat, Pink Floyd, Matchbox Twenty (Moon Unit’s husband’s band as a matter of fact), Lady Gaga, Green Day, Nickleback, any of these make you quake with fear (I love the first two bands as bands go, just don’t stick them onto your kid’s birth certificate). Better still, someone somewhere has got to have preceded Octo-Mom with 7 kids and named them (you guessed it) Doc (Strangelove), Sleepy (an insomniac), Sneezy (the CEO of Claritin), Dopey (a crackhead), Happy (a clinical depressive), and Bashful (a stripper).
Watch Funny Married Names
Never mind outlawing weird names. Outlaw weird parents, put their children up for adoption and give them a chance at life.
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