Why Didn’t I Get the Job?
Times are tight, no doubt about it and the employment horizon is still pretty grim. I still can’t believe the number of blogs and articles I’m reading that practically beg candidates to arrive at an interview acting like a human, prepared to knowledgably discuss the company and the position in question, with an additional copy of a resume. Jobs are out there but it is taking a lot of effort to fill them. I decided to demonstrate this scenario with my own hypothetical interview for an executive position at a mid-sized corporation located in the city.
DRESS CODE: Stained blouse and skirt with threads hanging off of hem; run in pantyhose or hell with it no pantyhose at all
HYGIENE: No time for a shower today…running late. Just finished a coffee and accidentally spilled some on my blouse (hence the stain). Wolfed down a garlic and egg breakfast before the interview. Still have pieces of bacon stuck in my teeth. How to groom yourself for a job interview
HAIR/MAKEUP: Hungover this morning so wore an extra pound of foundation to hide it; hair was unmanageable so slicked it back into a ponytail but the front pieces keep falling out into my face.
RESUME: What’s a resume?
INTERVIEW – ARRIVAL
I arrived at the interview a few minutes late. Big deal. Everyone runs a little behind now and then don’t they? When I informed the receptionist I was here she told me the HR lady was busy with another candidate and would be with me shortly. I waited and waited. “Shortly” translated into 20 minutes! I rolled my eyes at the receptionist and snapped “don’t your people honour their appointments?” She appeared not to hear me and kept typing. No wonder she earns minimum wage. Interview Tips: What would you do to gain respect as a new employee?
Finally the receptionist sent me to the interview room. There was a whole panel of 2 people waiting. I was hardly expecting an inquisition. They could at least have told me what to expect….as if I would ask over the phone. Can’t look too eager. I sat down before being invited and stared expectantly at both women. I mean, get on with it you know? The first one looked me up and down like she’d never seen a female candidate before. I suppose they’re looking for a man. Figures. The second one piped up and started firing questions at me. Not even a polite “how’s the weather” or any of that bull. Where are people’s manners nowadays? Interview Tips: Tell me about yourself
They both asked me ridiculous questions about the company like I was supposed to know the answers. I mean it’s their company. Don’t they know their own product and its capita per year?? Why should I know it? I’m not the CEO. How to prepare for a job interview. They then asked me the most unbelievably stupid questions I’ve ever heard. One of them actually said “what is your greatest strength?” Why would she want to know that? I’m not Mother Theresa. The other one asked me the opposite. Should have known. I could hardly keep my temper in check. Interview Tips: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Then came the ultimate in stupidity: “if you were an animal what would you be?” I had nothing. I mean, if I was an animal would I be here? I’d be swinging from a vine in the jungle and shitting down a tree trunk all day, a lot preferable to sitting here with these two stooges. How to answer rude quetsions. My cell phone rang and I interrupted the interview to answer it. Good thing I did. It was another HR person from a different company setting up an interview with me. Interview Tips: Share a Conflict Resolution BAD answer
Finally after all that redundant torture they asked me if I had any questions. Duh. The first thing I wanted to know was how much does this crummy job pay anyway. The second thing I wanted to know was how much vacation time do I get since at my last job I only got two weeks for the whole year. I also asked who I would be working directly for because if he was anything like my last boss, who was a power-tripping loser, I’d just leave right now. I also wanted to know if they validate parking and if how long my lunch break would be since I have to go home and walk my schnouzer mid-day every day or he poops all over the rug. Interview Tips: Describe going above and beyond at work: BAD answer
Finally the inquisition was over. They passed me a piece of literature about their company like it was the Holy Grail or something but I forgot it when I left. No biggee I’m sure. Anyhow brochures aren’t green friendly. Use the internet. As soon as I got out of there I went straight to Starbucks for another coffee. Now I know what pure hell feels like. As soon as I got home I went onto Facebook and ranted about my interview with dumb and dumber. I then blogged about the idiocy of interviews and that they should all be illegal. How to prepare for a job interview: After the interview is over. One week later when I hadn’t heard from them I called up one of the two militant interviewers and asked them if I was hired. She said no and I asked her why not? She said company policy was not to explain these details to their candidates since they have so many of them. I asked so many of what, candidates or policies, and hung up. I’m telling you there are no jobs out there. Interview Tips: What is your greatest achievement? BAD answer
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